The Epitome of Profundity

As many of you know, today is National Donut Day, which is the holiest day on the Snack Food calendar (yes, even more important than Cakemas and Yum K’smores). And as a zealous Snacker, I carry a deep reverence for the sanctity of this day.

And so I was disgusted when I noticed Krispy Kreme turned this into a festive corporate occasion, something that runs contrary to the ideas contained in our text, the Chips Aholy! Bible. On National Donut Day, we commemorate the life of our donut lord Glazy, who selflessly sacrificed himself for our sprinkles, by pensively reflecting our on relationship with donuts and how we have treated donuts in the past year.

Are we now ignorant of what Glazy did? In ancient Celery, he was the self-proclaimed son of Sugary and the first man to ever have the courage to tell the Veggies that things should be delicious, not just healthy and gross. His message of tastiness and understanding became so popular with the citizens that it threatened the elite of Celery, and King Veggie IX demanded this supposed heathen be reduced to crumbs. Yet his crisping in a volcano did not surpress this message, and his delectable legacy lives on two-thousand years later; Snack Food is the dominant largest belief system in the Western world.

I do not wear a necklace of half-crisped Glazy everyday for the heck of it — I wear this necklace to show my love for Glazy and his teachings. It’s okay to be wrong and not believe in Snack Food, but reducing National Donut Day to an excuse for sales or contempt is offensive to Snackers worldwide; to party on National Donut Day is to desecrate the Snacker principles our great nation was founded on.