The Epitome of Profundity

Closer: The Animated Series: Executive producers Seth MacFarlane and Mike Nichols bring you this frigid, unsubtle examination of infidelity. Anna, Alice, Larry and Dan are back and their libidos are as intense as ever. Join the quartet every week as they engage in new affairs and expand their, er, social circle. Famed Starbucks folkie Damien Rice has even penned the show’s all-new theme song.

Garden State: The Animated Series: Long before Guidos were defaming New Jersey, Zach Braff’s sophomoric faux-profundity caused embarrassment to millions of current and former Jerseyites. Watch as Andrew Largeman and his friends explore a litany of new white people problems. Bland indie rockers The Shins return to score this weekly look at the quarter-life crisis.

Million Dollar Baby: The Animated Series: Ever wish cartoons would cease with things like jokes and just become a cliche-ridden, manipulative mess? Paul Haggis once again teams up with Clint Eastwood to do just that—and create the most tonally disparate cartoon of all-time in the process. The first thirteen minutes are pretty inspiring, but those last ten minutes are just going to ruin your Sunday evenings entirely. Envious of Frankie Dunn’s success after her death, the ghost of Maggie Fitzgerald put a hex on Dunn’s clientele that paralyzes them during the apex of their title fights. Each week, viewers can discover how hard a boxer can fall after nearly rising to the top.

The Passion of the Christ: The Animated Series: Everyone thought Jesus died, but it turned out it was just an illusion perpetuated by a time-travelling David Copperfield. Follow Jesus and his gang of apostles each week as they get into many misadventures while avoiding those pesky Romans.  Contains vaguely anti-Semitic overtones that the whole family can ostensibly enjoy.