The Epitome of Profundity

1. Zero is just immaculate—aesthetically flawless and perfectly symmetrical. If numbers were people, you would want to make love to zero.

2. Two is a particularly sensuous number that evokes this very wonderful imagery of driving by the cliffside on a cloudy day.

3. Four just looks like it is strutting down the street bobbing its head back and forth. Perennially cool and always on the cutting-edge.

4. One has always been a tad overrated, and its connotations of defiance should have eroded by now. Yet it somehow remains enormously popular, and I think that speaks well of one’s significance as a number.

5. Three has a very consistent, very admirable blue-collar ethic to it, but it also doesn’t really stand out in any appreciable way. Good number, but not a great number.

6. Seven is no longer the great number it used to be. These days, it is just a lame version of an upside-down “L.”

7. Six has always embodied numerical decline, and it unfortunately has never made any real strides to improve it’s image.

8. Eight just stands there like two boring mathematical lumps. For chrissakes, do something!

9. Five is tacky and middle-of-the-road in the most artificial and obsequious way imaginable.

10. Nine has always just been too derivative of six, an already terrible number. It has had hundreds of years to establish a tangible sensibility, but it remains six’s imitative sibling. Nine is like the Nickelback cover band of numbers.