The Epitome of Profundity

The Agoraphobic Spider-Man

The Albanian Spider-Man

The Amusing Spider-Man

The Asexual Spider-Man

The Anxious Spider-Man

The Bostonian Spider-Man

The Communist Spider-Man

The Fassbender Spider-Man

The Female Spider-Man

The Humanist Spider-Man

The Impotent Spider-Man

The Infant Spider-Man

The Jewish Spider-Man

The Mediocre Spider-Man

The Memetic Spider-Man

The Nic Cage Spider-Man

The Non-White Spider-Man

The Pomeranian Spider-Man

The Pregnant Spider-Man

The Presidential Spider-Man

The Professorial Spider-Man

The Really Old Spider-Man

The Socially Awkward Spider-Man

The Terrible Spider-Man

The Unathletic Spider-Man

The Well-Endowed Spider-Man 

We Need to Talk About Spider-Man

New resolution: Let’s talk about Bunheads as much as we talk about Newsroom.

• An apology for the last two Jurassic Park films with a $10 refund.
• Boogie Nights with dinosaurs. A sprawling examination of the jurassic adult film industry documenting the rise and fall of well endowed velociraptor—or just Boogie Nights with dinosaurs instead of people.
• Closer with dinosaurs. A sensuous drama about four dinosaurs tangled in various affairs.
• President Jeff Goldblum and Vice President Nic Cage are two men who wake up one day and think they are dinosaurs.
• Revive Sam Jackson’s character from the first film using some nonsensical scientific process, and basically make a version Coach Carter wherein Sam Jackson tries to teach a group of rowdy dinosaurs the fundamentals of basketball and life.
• The Hangover with dinosaurs. Dinosaurs somehow manage to forget their wild night in Las Vegas.
• We Bought a Zoo with dinosaurs. Struggling to deal with the death of his wife, Matt Damon decides to buy up Jurassic Park in an attempt regain a sense of self and reconnect with his kids through the magic of nature and dinosaurs. However, there is one little problem: the dinosaurs kind of like to eat people. 

• A Michael Fassbender binder
• Cereal figurines for adults: Sideways action figures in bottles of wine or something.
• Cory Doctorow coffee house called Steamed Punk
• Criminalize the production of Jay Leno’s “Jaywalking” segment.
• Give a food critic a time machine to travel back to 2005 to make a “modest mousse” pun.
• Lars Von Trier’s Madagascar 3
• Limited-edition box sets at a box factory
• Replacing the “Stars” in Dancing with the Stars with “Bears”
• Spotify for cookies
• Tyler Perry’s Madea Vs. Predator